Battleship

Nothing new, nothing original, only a demolition and popcorn classic in the best sense of the word. Battleship has everything a modern action movie should have, and a little bit extra thanks to the presence of pop queen Rihanna, who looks just as good in a military uniform as she does in a tight outfit. Just turn off your brain and the fun will be taken care of... 70% (01/01/2013)

"Comrades, the imperialist scumbag from outer space is once again stretching his stinking claws around our motherland, this time he wanted to splash around in our trade union resorts in Hawaii. In addition to our overgrown actors, long-legged national artists and beautiful ships, our veterans and cripple comrades will also stand up to him. Deserved artists from AC/DC can be heard whilst we march." I swear I haven't laughed this honestly in a movie theatre in a long time. Although Battleship is a Marine agitation film made up of the dumbest genre-ideological clichés, it is so overdone that it raises some doubts as to whether Berg and his screenwriters poked a bit of fun at the patriotic contract. They didn't, of course. In an American blockbuster, it's possible to make a fun of Jews, Catholics, women, gays, and government officials, but definitely NOT about cripples and metal retirees (so let's face the fact that what we're laughing at in disbelief, ordinary American viewers raised on parades and patriotic interpretation of history take quite seriously). The basic taboo "you won't mow down a cripple with a UFO and you won't hit a veteran with a piece of a cannon" is therefore an honor. They bring the story to a properly vigorous tone and the spectator gets a warm feeling leaving the movie theatre that there is fun and a good bunch at the marina, although a horde of bearded lizards from Green Lantern plunder seaside resorts (plus, an American and a Japanese man are friends near Pearl Harbor, trying to understand Sun-Tzu's “Art of War"). Berg simply took everything I hate in similar films and put it into fairly well-arranged and playful nonsense, which is exactly sarcastic enough to take away his "empire is still alive" message. I rate the contagious peaks of socialist realism similarly, so why ostracize the genre of agitation films in the capitalist one, right? (17/04/2012)

An average and unremarkable American popcorn action film, based on stunning visual effects and a flat script, it doesn't offend, but it doesn't amaze either. Taylor Kitsch unfortunately doesn't handle the lead role well at all, failing to be expressive in any way (like in John Carter), but thankfully this is smoothed over by the acting of Liam Neeson and Alexander Skarsgård. In short, a film that really only stands out because of how mediocre and formulaic it ultimately is. (12/05/2015)

A celebration of the U.S. Navy, a tribute to its veterans, and ego-stroking of the stars and stripes that they are still the best. But it's also a genre in reverse, with Berg also making fun of it. He loads the cannons to the sound of AC/DC and lets the old guys mentor the digital-obsessed youth about how the analog days were a blast. So far, so good. But it's 130 minutes long and all the shenanigans, when it really starts to get fun, only start happening in the second half. Until then, it’s pure misery and the essence of what the film later makes fun of at the end. I wouldn't survive watching it a second time. 3 ½. (07/08/2012)

Totally unnecessary (and they should all apologize to Cowboys & Aliens). I don't think we've ever been invaded by bigger alien idiots in film history, because I didn't shake my head as much during those as I did during this film, not even during the recent Battle Los Angeles. From my perspective, Battleship is not a film that pokes fun at the style of Michael Bay (and others), it's not even stupid enough to be funny, it's just another silly spectacle that doesn't even deserve ILM's top special effects (for which I give it a star). I had to wait an hour and a half for the only sympathetically over-the-top scene (yes, the veterans boarding and the Missouri setting sail really had something going for it), and the wait wasn't great. So a star and a half.__P.S. The completely unsympathetic actors are dominated by the singer Rihanna, whom I don't know, but she gives me the impression that the casting discovered her somewhere in a tree and persuaded her to participate in the filming with a basket full of bananas.__P.P.S. My previous comment of course does not apply to Liam Neeson. (09/09/2012)