Battleship

A celebration of the U.S. Navy, a tribute to its veterans, and ego-stroking of the stars and stripes that they are still the best. But it's also a genre in reverse, with Berg also making fun of it. He loads the cannons to the sound of AC/DC and lets the old guys mentor the digital-obsessed youth about how the analog days were a blast. So far, so good. But it's 130 minutes long and all the shenanigans, when it really starts to get fun, only start happening in the second half. Until then, it’s pure misery and the essence of what the film later makes fun of at the end. I wouldn't survive watching it a second time. 3 ½. (07/08/2012)

An average and unremarkable American popcorn action film, based on stunning visual effects and a flat script, it doesn't offend, but it doesn't amaze either. Taylor Kitsch unfortunately doesn't handle the lead role well at all, failing to be expressive in any way (like in John Carter), but thankfully this is smoothed over by the acting of Liam Neeson and Alexander Skarsgård. In short, a film that really only stands out because of how mediocre and formulaic it ultimately is. (12/05/2015)

A dumb, but extremely entertaining movie where old technology is bulldozed by new and the “Art of War" gains a completely new dimension. Berg signed up to film this absolute shitstain of a screenplay with a few millions paperclipped to it, when the only potential lies in the name of this age-old game, these days played only by snobs who have grown bored of playing tic-tac-toe during lessons at school. But who wouldn’t like to play soldiers for the studio’s money. The directing maybe isn’t as opulent as Bay’s, but it’s easier to follow and the overall tempo of the movie isn’t so breakneck. The story: After a superb start, John Carter gets his hair cut and joins the navy due to a beautiful blonde, to become a better person, to serve on a battleship. Then some aliens from the plant G. arrive on Earth. He fights them. The number of casualties is abundant. Kitsch handled his role well, Brooklyn Decker is here just to liven things up a little. Daddy-o Liam Neeson is cool, but makes too darn few appearances. But if you were pleased that Rhianna had died, then... erm. And those poor aliens - these guys were the kindest villains I have ever encountered. Maybe we could have become friends, if the Navy hadn’t started shooting first. But we will probably never know, even though the post-credits scene from Scotland promises a part two. When the old men got in, I nearly laughed out loud. I can’t believe this wasn’t a parody. And Jablonsky and his AC/DC! - And who’s in charge of the ship now? - Hopper. - Hopper? We’re all going to die! (28/04/2012)

Nothing new, nothing original, only a demolition and popcorn classic in the best sense of the word. Battleship has everything a modern action movie should have, and a little bit extra thanks to the presence of pop queen Rihanna, who looks just as good in a military uniform as she does in a tight outfit. Just turn off your brain and the fun will be taken care of... 70% (01/01/2013)

Totally unnecessary (and they should all apologize to Cowboys & Aliens). I don't think we've ever been invaded by bigger alien idiots in film history, because I didn't shake my head as much during those as I did during this film, not even during the recent Battle Los Angeles. From my perspective, Battleship is not a film that pokes fun at the style of Michael Bay (and others), it's not even stupid enough to be funny, it's just another silly spectacle that doesn't even deserve ILM's top special effects (for which I give it a star). I had to wait an hour and a half for the only sympathetically over-the-top scene (yes, the veterans boarding and the Missouri setting sail really had something going for it), and the wait wasn't great. So a star and a half.__P.S. The completely unsympathetic actors are dominated by the singer Rihanna, whom I don't know, but she gives me the impression that the casting discovered her somewhere in a tree and persuaded her to participate in the filming with a basket full of bananas.__P.P.S. My previous comment of course does not apply to Liam Neeson. (09/09/2012)